


Intricacies

by brinshannara



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/F, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-24
Updated: 2019-01-24
Packaged: 2019-10-15 09:29:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17526146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brinshannara/pseuds/brinshannara
Summary: J'onn understands what Alex is asking of him.





	Intricacies

**Author's Note:**

> What I think could have happened immediately after 4x10 of Supergirl. Spoilers abound for that episode.
> 
> As always, comments and kudos remind me that, though I write primarily for myself, others do appreciate it when I put my stuff out there. Thanks for reading. :)

She closed her eyes, and he carefully placed the fingertips of his index and middle fingers against her left temple, supporting her chin with his thumb. When Alex had come to him with her request, J’onn immediately understood the necessity, though he’d been daunted at the complexity of the task ahead of him.

He’d known it wouldn’t be like with Colonel Haley. That had been easy. All he‘d done to wipe out the knowledge she’d gained was nudge the memory a little, removing some clarity. No longer a sharp, tight thread, it was looser, almost blurry, and the key piece of information was lost within that undefined spot. No matter how much Haley would try to think about it, try to reconstruct it, she’d circle back to the same result — she still wouldn’t know that Supergirl was Kara Danvers. 

It seemed ridiculous to him that there were only a handful of DEO agents left who were aware of Supergirl’s identity. The woman had flown in with Lena, carrying her  _ as Kara _ , just last year. Were these newest recruits so dense they were unable to put two and two together? 

Rerouting the agents’ memories had been easy, too. In most cases, he just changed the image of Kara into other images of Supergirl. Each agent had seen Supergirl in the DEO more often than they’d seen Kara. A small change here, the name changing with the memory, a new kind of recognition formed. Whenever those agents would think of a memory of Kara Danvers within the DEO, they would think they’d seen Supergirl. It was a bit more challenging for some agents. Those couple who’d heard Supergirl’s tearful goodbye to her sister as she prepared to fly Fort Rozz into outer space. They’d also seen Alex Danvers willing to sacrifice herself for her sister as she’d immediately ordered them to get Kara’s ship ready for launch. They’d witnessed their superior officer’s panic and worry when the team had realized that Kara was no longer on Earth and was on Maaldoria. The memories were harder to change, the threads thicker, denser, more difficult to manipulate. Still, he‘d done it and it hadn’t been too difficult. 

However, they barely knew Kara. They’d see her at the DEO and in the field but their interactions with her  _ as Kara _ were few and far between, in most cases. As J’onn touched his fingers to Alex’s temple, he took a deep breath, knowing this would be a different thing entirely. 

As he looked at the work in front of him, seeing the intricate structure of Alex’s memories, how they curved delicately around Kara and Supergirl and the DEO, J’onn realized the monumental nature of the task. He’d known it would be difficult. He hadn’t understood how difficult it might be. 

He couldn’t simply obscure the memories as he had with Haley. 

He couldn’t rewrite the memories as he had with the agents. That much was clear. 

So what was to be done?

As J’onn looked closer at the taut threads that wound around Alex’s mind, he began to truly understand who Alex Danvers was and how tightly tied up that identity was with Kara and, of course, Kara’s secret. 

With the others, he’d started with the most recent memories and worked his way back. For this, though, J’onn decided he’d have to start from the beginning. Back to the day Superman had brought Kara to the Danvers’ home. 

He considered how best to treat this. Kara wouldn’t be an alien. It would be too obvious to Alex if she had an alien sister when Supergirl appeared. It also would be subject to Haley’s truth seeker. No, he decided Kara would be a human, adopted sister. It wouldn’t take much to nudge the memory of Superman into a memory of Clark, while simultaneously erasing her knowledge that Clark Kent was Superman. Satisfied with his first step, J’onn decided he’d best look over everything, outlining the majority of changes he’d need to make, to give Alex a somewhat cohesive thread for her life. 

That’s when he saw the countless arguments about Kara stealing the bathroom in the mornings, using her super-speed. He saw the time Kara had saved the child from the car. He saw Kara saving Alex from the corrupt sheriff as young girls in Midvale. He saw the times the girls had snuck out and gone flying together. 

His own mind reeling, he continued down the delicate threads. 

The memories of Eliza Danvers, always being critical of Alex, always encouraging her to put Kara first, while simultaneously being a straight-A student. The pressure, the stress, of hiding the secret, making sure Kara didn’t accidentally show her powers again. J’onn felt it for himself and spared a moment of thought for the girl who was too consumed with making sure she was the best older sister she could be to realize who she really was inside. 

It didn’t get much less complicated once Alex was in school in National City. How on earth could he take those feelings of worthlessness, of despair, of failure, and change them to make sense? When compared to an alien from another world, a brilliant, kind woman like Alex might yet feel like a failure. But without Kara with powers in her life, none of it would make sense. 

Alex would still remember him coming to her as Hank, in the jail cell. But even the details of that conversation, what he’d chosen to say to convince her to let him recruit her, those would all need to change. How would he possibly twist things in her mind for any of that to ring true for her? 

The memory of recognizing the girl who saved the plane as Kara would have to go. As would telling Kara and Eliza she was part of the DEO. Alex Danvers would be a simple scientist to her sister and to her mother, in her own mind. More conversations to alter. Or, perhaps, completely eradicate? It would mean that Thanksgiving when Livewire was terrorizing Cat Grant wouldn’t have happened. And Alex and Eliza wouldn’t have gotten closer. 

Then, there were the professional moments. How, in just a few short years, could there be so many memories of activities in the field to modify? Everything from the pride Alex felt as they tested Kara’s powers to throwing herself off the DEO tower during the Daxamite invasion and knowing, with certainty, that Kara would catch her. That  _ her sister _ would catch her. 

He paused as he reached another set of memories. 

Maggie. 

Those memories involving Alex‘s ex-fiancée would have to be changed, too. How Alex had been talking to Kara as her sister, while she was dressed as Supergirl, before she’d first met Maggie Sawyer at the airport. How Alex had asked Kara to go for a walk with her, while she was training Mon-El in her Supergirl uniform in the DEO, and then told her about Maggie. And herself. 

How Kara had flown up and let herself into Alex’s apartment through the balcony when Alex hadn’t opened the door after Maggie had turned her down. J’onn had paused at that memory, feeling as though he were trespassing. 

How she and Kara had been chatting in her lab, as they often did, like sisters do, about work and relationships, the night that Maggie... He paused again, this time  _ knowing  _ he shouldn’t be unfurling these memories. The first night Maggie had spent at Alex’s. And the next morning, the memories around the conversation with Kara, in the DEO, in civilian clothing.

How Alex had ended things with Maggie right after they’d started because she’d been out of her mind with worry for her missing sister. 

How Alex had convinced Maggie to take her back by virtue of Maggie understanding that it had been Kara who was missing, not just Supergirl. 

J’onn couldn’t even begin to come up with anything that would explain these inconsistencies. Short of wiping her memory entirely, there wasn’t anything he could do that would make sense. There was no good way to extract memories of Kara from memories of her powers and Supergirl, and there was no way any of it would be comprehensible to Alex. She’d be a shell of who she was, and he’d have trampled across every single significant memory in Alex’s life since Kara had come to Earth. Nothing could be left untouched. And she would be stuck living her life like that, not understanding why nothing in her life seemed to fit. 

No. He wouldn’t do it. Not to Alex. 

He pulled his fingers from her temple and she looked up at him. 

“Is it…?” She paused and frowned. “It didn’t work,” she said. “I still know Kara is Supergirl.” 

“I’m sorry, I can’t do it, Alex,” he said. “You’ll have to find another way.” 

The disappointment on her face hit him square in the chest. “I’m sorry,” he repeated, gruffly. “I just can’t.” 

“Can’t?” she asked. “Or won’t?” 

She knew him too well. 

“I won’t make a mess of your mind, Alex,” he said. “I can’t bring myself to change all the things that would have to change.” 

She stood up, eyes pinning him. “This is  _ my _ choice to make,” she barked. “This is my chance to save my  _ sister _ ! You don’t get to… to be  _ squeamish _ about it!” 

He withstood her outburst, just standing there, taking it. 

“Are you going to help me, J’onn? Help Kara? Because you know her life is over if Haley finds out. You know that they’ll use her identity as leverage to make her a virtual slave to the DEO.” She was pacing. “And this is my choice. Mine. And my choice is to do whatever it takes for Kara.” She stopped and faced him. “So are you gonna help me?” 

“Do you know,” he asked, “what it was like to know you were gay before you did?” he asked, quietly. 

Stunned into silence, Alex blinked at him. 

“I saw you start to question things, question yourself. I saw you light up at the mention of Maggie...” He trailed off as she forced herself to swallow and looked down. “Still, I didn‘t say anything, because it wasn’t my place.” He shook his head. “I wouldn’t have dared to talk to you about it, to cheat you of your own realizations,” he said. “And now, you would ask me to change those memories, too? To change why you and Maggie got back together after you were beyond terrified for your sister? How am I supposed to make that work? Make it not be a confusing mess?” 

Alex looked up at that, eyes shining. 

“You’re asking me to stomp across all the memories of your sister. Alter them, obscure them, eliminate them. But being Kara’s older sister is so much of who you are, Alex.” 

She blinked back the tears that threatened to fall. 

“Everything you were as a girl was tied up in wanting approval from your mother as you tried to be the perfect sister as you tried to protect Kara. I can’t change those memories without changing who you are. Your life… it wouldn’t even be coherent to you.” 

“Do it, J’onn,” she said, quietly. “I’ll deal with the consequences.” 

“I’ve lost two daughters. I won’t lose a third. Not like this.” He took a breath. “I’m sorry.” 

Tears rolled down her cheeks, and she angrily wiped them away with her sleeve. “Fine. If you won‘t help me, I’ll find another way to do this. I’m going to save Kara. With or without you.” She stalked out of his office, slamming the door behind her. 

He took a couple of steps back and sat on the surface of his desk. How could he help them without sacrificing Alex? 

What would his father say? 

Moving to sit in a chair, J’onn closed his eyes and began to breathe deeply. 

His father would tell him to meditate on things and another possibility would reveal itself. But his father would also be pleased he refused Alex’s request. J’onn nodded to himself, proud of his decision, then focused on his breathing and fell into a deep, meditative trance, determined to figure out another way forward. A way to save them both. 


End file.
